Argentine
Grand Prix
Winners
and Losers
Winners:
Olivier Panis: Hung
on to the coat-tails of a Williams-Renault with a
huge fuel load in a car that just isn’t quite
what Mr Villeneuve has at his disposal is a
remarkable achievement. From a fantastic grid
position (anyone remember a Ligier being up that far
before?) he stormed through the first corner and gave
the hapless H-H Frentzen a good scare before the
untimely demise of a brilliant first lap scuffle
between the three of them. Unfortunately, for all
concerned, not least Alain Prost and Bridgestone, the
Mugen-Honda had an uncharacteristic failure.
Rubens Barrichello:
After being clobbered by a double world champion,
it usually is best to get out and apologise for being
in his way. Not Rubens. He nipped around to the pits
and had a new nose slapped on, rejoined the race, and
did a great impression of a scythe. He rattled many a
cage as he slashed his way forward and put up a
respectable fight before the now traditional Stewart
failure. Both he and Magnussen put on a great show
and had there been a decent director on the scene, we
would have seen the tartan cars. It now seems de
rigeur that host South American networks treat us
to fantastic shots of gravel traps and empty track
(see Losers).
Jan Magnussen: For
having the patience to swap cars with Barrichello
throughout qualifying as two out of their three cars
were stricken with problems. Lucky one isn’t
three feet taller than the other. Magnussen had a
reasonable race, let down by the crap Ford engines.
Jacques Villeneuve:
Marvellous. He had the squitters all weekend but
still managed, after yet another disastrous Williams
strategy decision (tyre option and three stops), to
hang on. He would have been feeling like
yesterday’s seafood and probably cursing that
bump on turn 15 (or 14…wherever) which
threatened to unseat whatever extra baggage he was
carrying within. It does help that Adrian Newey made
all the right decisions about the car this time last
year. He held off a firework-like performance from
Olivier Panis in the early stages and Eddie Irvine in
the closing. He made it through the first turn
unscathed (there’s something new) and created
opportunities to warm-up their tyres with some canny
work behind the pace car. This, however, does not
mean I like him.
Mika Hakkinen:
Coming from sixteenth to fifth on what had been a
very difficult weekend for him. Eddie Irvine: for
giving us a race, sticking it up the rabid Italian
press and also managing to stay clear of the mess at
the first turn.
Damon Hill: For
being eternally cheery in the face Alesi-adversity.
For being undeniably amusing whilst talking to the
BBC saying "it was all very exciting" about
three times in the interview. He’s making huge
progress with that awful car and Mr Diniz deserves a
hand too. Both made absolutely massive starts, Hill
from thirteenth to seventh and Diniz from dead last
to somewhere in the low-teens. Maybe the Yamaha has
some decent low-down torque?
Michael Schumacher:
Look at the money this guy gets paid. How could
he be a loser? Apart from the fact he drove into
Rubens Barrichello. Barrichello is but a minion.
Losers:
Heinz-Harald
Frentzen: (sigh) Here we are again.
Through no fault of his own (at this stage, anyway)
the car sputtered to a halt and he was forced to
watch his team mate walk home with ten points. (sigh)
Heinz-Harald
Frentzen: For allowing the revelation that he was
short-shifting 3000 rpm from the redline in Brazil to
avoid a retirement to get out. What is he on? All
these people who were saying Frentzen is a born racer
have been very quiet so far this year. (bigger
sigh)
Williams: For
hiring Frentzen. Stupid, stupid, stupid….
Yamaha: Two
engines going in one race. Clever. I hear Tom has
been chatting to Mugen-Honda. Apparently he’s
after an engine that can finish a race. This is all
speculation, you understand. The very thought that he
would want to finish a race may seem laughable to
some, but apparently this is one of his goals. Go
figure. Maybe Yamaha are in competition with the
works Ford for ‘highest number of detonations in
a year.’ Or maybe ‘least powerful works
engine deal.’
Jean Alesi: A
regular visitor to the Losers section, he’s
managed it again. Driving into Damon Hill was
probably the most outstanding of his other,
admittedly smaller blunders, particularly when he
actually had Hill and Damon had just about conceded
when the stupidest of the stupid drove straight into
him. "Crazy" Alesi (I won’t use that
nickname again) seems not so much a loose cannon, as
a rampant US Marine Corps with an order to use deadly
force at will. Alesi’s colossal stupidity seems
to have rubbed off on Gerhard Berger over the
seasons as he gets sillier and sillier as well. He
waited until the dying laps before putting his foot
down, setting and re-setting the lap record. Very
clever. Flavio must be trying to re-write the
performance-based contract with Mild Seven as we
speak.
Benetton: For
keeping both of the Terrible Two for a second season
when there was a realistic chance of a decent driver
joining them, in Giancarlo Fisichella. Dumping Alesi,
even with a contract payout must surely be the most
sensible move as he probably averages at least
$100,000 damage per race, if not more. A more stable
driver would bring in points and income from both
race winnings and the sponsor. Gerhard should just be
put out to pasture to play with his daughters.
Ralf Schumacher:
What a clever piece of PR work. A team that
desperately needs the points in order to keep the
Peugeot were running two-three, looking great. Well,
obviously Schumacher junior felt he ought to be in
front so he took an excursion over the kerbs and
clobbered poor old Giancarlo rather hard. Young Ralf
seems to have the same attitude his brother had in
‘94 and ’95 – if you can’t pass
‘em, hit ‘em.
The Idiot in the
pace car: This was one of the highlights of the
race – listening to Martin and Murray give the
pace car driver a good whacking. He was a
‘clown’ as Martin so gently put it. He
should have been going ballistic and sticking the
thing onto two wheels at every corner. Imola ’94
demonstrated the need for some talent in the pace car
and it was only Jacques Villeneuve’s push-pull
technique that kept any semblance of heat in the
tyres.
The TV director:
Oh, man. What a fool. We could so nearly have missed
Eddie Irvine either punting JV off or getting past
him and giving him the finger. Instead we got to see
a bunch of flag-waving Ferrari fans. Who taught this
guy how to build suspense and anguish in an audience,
Hitchcock? We got some fantastic shots of empty
track, the backs of cars going around corners, the
type of thing the South Americans are becoming famous
for. It was very ordinary. At least we had some
sound, but in Australia, at least, the picture kept
freezing and dropping out. Let’s get to Imola,
please. Even one-eyed Ferrari watching is better than
what we’ve put up with.
Peter Anderson
petera@one.net.au
